War of the Straws and Sandwiches
by Any1there4me
Summary: Edward recruits Emmett and Jasper to help redecorate Bella's bedroom as a surprise...while she sleeps. Emmett happens to come across some certain objects that begin a little game of war...What could those things possibly be? Oneshot...maybe more!
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey there, peoplez! Okay, so this is a one-shot I randomly though of. It took me about four days to write and many, times of editing. My friend edwardslove4ever helped me to edit this and make it as perfect as possible. Many kudos to her! Well, read on and enjoy my fanfic of random-ness!**_

**_P.S. This one-shot is 14 pgs. long on Microsoft Word and 6,224 words long...I have now forewarned you of its length. BEWARE! lol_**

_**Disclaimer: Never ever will I be able to own anything of Stephenie Meyer's...even if I changed my name and everything...tears...j/k**_

**_BTY: Please,as you read this, keep in mind that I intended for Emmett, Jasper, and Edward to be oblivious. I know, technically, they most likely wouldn't be as oblivious as I made them out to be, but please keep an open mind._**

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**War of the Straws and Sandwiches**

**Edward's POV**

For the last three weeks now I've been toying with this idea—redecorating Bella's room as a little 'I love you and you deserve everything' gift—and finally decided to act upon it as of, hmm…well, nine hours ago. As soon as I dropped Bella off at her house after school, I rushed to Seattle and went to the nearest mall, grabbing anything I knew Bella would love to have in her room. I ended up spending a whopping seven hundred dollars, but who said Bella was going to find out?

Right now, Emmett, Jasper, and I are on our way to Bella's house with my Volvo completely packed with the new furnishings for her room. The plan, since we are vampires and can be as silent as the night, is to keep all our movements hushed and not make any ruckus as we empty and refill Bella's room—as she sleeps.

**Emmett's POV**

Okay, so Edward asks me immediately after he gets home if I'm up to helping him redo Bella's room. My first reaction is to say, "Why the Hell not? Let's do this!" However, knowing that the comment won't be appreciated, I hold my tongue and settle with a calm, "Sure, I'll help out."

So, a few hours after Edward recruits me for the redecorating, I find myself stuffed in the back of his tiny Volvo with some lamp-like thing going up my ass and thinking, _If we don't get there soon, I am going to break this "lamp" and Bella will have to just go lamp-less._ Luckily, for the lamp, Bella, and I, we pull up in front of her house as I finish this thought and impatiently yank the backdoor open. _Freedom, at last!_

**Jasper's POV**

Alice and I had a night planned to just be with each other: talk, hangout, be together, whatever you liked to call it, we wanted to have a night of just that. Whether or not it led to "other" things was not our concern. However, if, say, it did lead to these "other" things, I definitely won't be complaining, but it wasn't the point of the night. Finally, after much planning, we decided it had to be tonight, and I couldn't agree more. On the inside I was secretly jumping about screaming with joy…but you wouldn't have been able to tell from my outside—I was an image of composure.

Well, Edward gets home some time after school let out—and the only way I knew it was him is because he always has a sort of 'I'm in love' aura, and it can be sensed several miles away when outside—and inquires whether or not I would like to help him redecorate Bella's room as a surprise. Now, I'm very fond of Bella and am quite a civil vampire, but I was not going to give up this night to do anything else other than what Alice and I had planned.

"I'm sorry, but I can't." I let him know gently, but he just smiled.

"Jasper, I think you might want to come help me." His smile grew more prominent.

_What the Hell is he thinking?_ Confidence and assurance exuded from him in huge waves now. I had absolutely no idea why he felt that way, especially since I just told him no.

"Jasper, Alice won't like what your thinking, especially when _I_ tell her." That's why he is smiling and believes I'll go with him—he knows my own personal plans for tonight. I secretly had planned to intentionally lead my and Alice's night to the "other" things, but my strategy was to keep it as unknown as possible—even from those who could mind read. Unfortunately, I slipped. (NOTE: my goal was also to keep it from Alice too, but that took a little more concentration. I had to "change" my mind every few minutes to keep Alice out of the loop and confused as to what I was planning to do)

He took me by surprise when he said this. I thought he was above using blackmail, but I have been sadly mistaken.

"Fine, count me in." I mentally kicked myself for loosing my cool momentarily, then got an idea. "However, Edward, you get to break it to Alice."

He gave me another grin, this time baring teeth—his most favorite intimidation factor I've come to realize. "Touché, Jasper. Touché." He said this turning around, I'm guessing to talk to Alice. But, for all I knew, she'd already found out in a vision. _She is not going to be happy._

So, several hours later, I find myself in Edward's Volvo on the way to Bella's house continually reassuring myself_, How I got myself into this mess is still questionable and most likely will never be determined. However, as I am a civil vampire and am fond of Bella, not to mention Edward did ask _politely_ for my help, I agreed to this ridiculous plan._ However, what I should've been thinking is, _Edward is going to pay…Alice and I will do something…_(thinks of ways to punish him) _…castrating him sounds very appealing, but messy…_But no, I am worrying about telling myself that it isn't my fault and that it is Edward who ruined my and Alice's night.

Now, though I'm not really at liberty to discuss this, I have only one issue with this surprise for Bella: all the trouble—buying new furnishings, taking everything out of her room, then putting in a bunch of new stuff—will most likely go to waste with Bella demanding Edward to take it all back. I may not be thrilled helping to pull this project through, but I do hate wasting my time, and that will be exactly what this is if she ends up not keeping the damn stuff. _She better like it._

**Edward's POV**

"Emmett, could you start bringing stuff down from her room and set it over there"—indicating an area of the yard with my forefinger—"and put it all in neat piles." With a quick nod, Emmett got to work. Immediately I saw two stacks appear in the area of yard I pointed out to him. _So far, this is going well._

Jasper then approached me with a calm, "What would you like me to do?" _How long at most will this take, Edward?_ I knew he didn't want to be here, since he originally had other plans with Alice and willingly put them on hold for me, but he should've kept his thoughts PG and away from me.

"At most an hour if we don't get everything out of her room in the next six minutes. And, if you want to, you can help Emmett and speed up the process."

"I think that's what I'll do." He didn't look as disappointed about his night being changed like he did earlier, but still it lingered. He evidently still had hope that the night would not end fruitless, especially with his thought, _Anything to get this over with and back to Alice._

With them working to get Bella's current furnishings out into the yard, I began the easy work of unloading the Volvo and setting everything just outside the house's front door. Less than two minutes later, everything was unloaded and I was sorting through it, checking and rechecking to be sure every necessity was there: new curtains, bed set, floor length mirror, desk, lamp, etc. To see how far in progress they had gotten I looked over to the piles Emmett started and got to thinking, _Hmm…I should probably look through those for anything worth keeping._ Of course, I ended up missing the fact that the piles had grown only slightly larger since Emmett had started and Jasper joined him.

**Jasper's POV**

I might have been with Alice right now, talking about things we have done and plan to do, sitting together and reading a book, or possibly even holding each other tight and savoring the other's presence, but no. I had to be here. At Bella's house.

Yes, I realize now I should've kept a better control on my thoughts, but one can only control their thoughts so much. It's a fault; I won't lie. But though my lack of oppressing my thoughts took me away from one enjoyment, I was determined to find another.

By now I'd already taken down a few armloads of Bella's books and such when I decided to look around a bit. I'd never really been inside her house and wanted to see what kinds of things she and Charlie kept. Most of the stuff I saw though wasn't very interesting: a plain living room with a standard TV set, couch, chair, etc; a small kitchen with a rather sad attempt of painting the walls yellow; one bathroom with a rather dull interior; and Charlie's room with just a bed, dresser, small closet, and wooden chair. Yes, I could really see where Bella got her sense of simplicity.

Though most of their stuff was uninteresting, there was a set of pictures hanging on one wall in the living room that really caught my attention. From what I was able to tell, they were Bella's annual school photos, showing her progress into adulthood.

I studied each starting with the one I presumed she had taken in kindergarten going to the one from last year. After about a moment of looking at all of them, I had to admit they were pretty bad and that she definitely hadn't been the beauty she is now. As a young girl she had been slightly small with a thicket of wild hair, slowly growing out of it year by year. It wasn't until about the eighth grade her hair fully tamed and she grew to normal size. Though this was one thing that prevented her from decent pictures, she also had a history of making faces. She either blinked, looked or turned in the wrong direction, or, my favorite, wiped her nose with her sleeve as the picture was being taken. _She is definitely not a photogenic person…_

After finding such entertainment, I had to stay for a short minute. I savored the few moments of amusement I got from her past school pictures, then reluctantly got back to work. Getting an armload of miscellaneous stuff from her desk and heading outside, I thought, _What Edward really needs to get her is an organizer…her rooms a mess._

**Emmett's POV**

Pretty soon I noticed lazy Mr. Hale decided to take a little break from the job, and I definitely wasn't too happy about that. I understand he wasn't thrilled about having to be here for longer than ten minutes, since him and Alice apparently had this BIG night planned, but it doesn't mean he can slack on something after he commits to it.

So, being the role model kind of guy I am, I try to do double the load so I can get the slacker's share of work done too. Grabbing about a third more each time I went and got more of Bella's stuff, I slowly picked up the pace and tried to make up the time Jasper spent looking at pictures. I wasn't so successful, having to spend more time picking up stuff that fell out of my arms; thus, taking longer.

I had just returned from taking out the last remnants of junk lying on her desk and noticed the only things remaining to take out were a bedside table, a pile of various items, and a small empty bookshelf. Knowing that Jasper would soon be back up—since he decided to get back to work only a couple minutes ago—to take more stuff down, I tackled the bedside table and left the pile and bookshelf for him to take down out of the kindness of my heart.

I opened the one drawer on the bedside table and found a box and a medium size bag. Each held an abundance of inanimate things that I couldn't even tell you what they were, even if my life depended on it. In the box, there were individually wrapped little cylindrical things that had a little string coming out one end, and in the bag there were individually wrapped square-ish things that squished when pressed.

_What the Hell?_ was the only thing popping up in my mind.

**Edward's POV**

I finally noticed that the pile of Bella's old stuff was not growing as fast as it should have been and I wanted to know why. _They should've been done already._

I left what I was doing and went inside to get them working. As I passed the kitchen, Jasper appeared with an armload of Bella's clothing—I'm not getting rid of those though, just reorganizing them during the process of redecorating—on the way out to the front yard. Because of the size of the pile in his arms, he was unable to see me as I sneaked around him and went up the stairs. _Well, one of them is working. How about the other?_

Slinking down the hall to Bella's bedroom, I found the door halfway shut. _Hmm… _Quietly, I used the palm of my hand and pushed the door. With a creak, it swung open to reveal Emmett toying around with something, I presume, of Bella's.

"What are you doing?" I demanded. Emmett made a little jumping motion; he apparently was too absorbed in whatever it is he is toying with to hear the door groan as it open.

He fumbled what he was holding and said, "I was just cleaning out her bedside table and found these." He then lifted his hands to reveal two objects. In his left hand he held a mini-toilet paper roll thing that had a little cord dangling from one end and what looked like a cotton ball sticking out of the other end; in his right there was a little white square thing that resembled a very small couch cushion.

"Emmett, what are those?" I'd never seen anything in my life like them before, and I've seen a lot in my time. Not even Alice or Rosalie owned anything like these.

"I'm not sure. On the box this came out of"—lifts cylindrical thing up—"it said 'Tampax,' and on the bag this came out of"—lifts mini-cushion thing up—"it said 'Ultra thins.'" He then proceeded to talk while messing with the items. "I just call them straws and sandwiches."

"Straws," I said pointing to the mini-paper roll thing, then averting my aim to indicate the small white square, "and sandwiches?" I had to admit, the names fit the unknown items, but they were strange and out there kind of names.

"Yup." He looked down again at his hands and set the "sandwich" one down. Focusing only on the "straw", he turned it this way and that way, examining it. Carefully moving it from hand to hand, he put his thumb against the end with the string and held it like a syringe. He then began to lift it up towards his face, his intent as to what he was doing unclear.

"Don't—," I exclaimed as I rushed forward and tried to wrench the object from his hand.

The actions, completely unexpected by Emmett, made him involuntarily push his thumb against the end of the straw violently, sending the cotton ball looking thing catapulting through the air and hitting the opposite wall with a muffled _thump_.

We stood there for a moment or two in shock, trying to absorb what just happened. Emmett, more able to attune to unexpected changes in his environment, came to from his astonishment first.

"I know what they are," he said as he stared at the straw. He stated it plainly, as if the answer had been right in front of us the entire time. Turning to look at me, he waited for me to respond to what he said.

"What do you think they could possibly be?" I have absolutely, positively no idea what the straw could actually be, and yet _Emmett_ thinks he does? _Something has gone wrong with this world._

Reaching for another straw and positioning it the same way he did with the previous one, his eyes gleamed. With out warning, he shot the straw at me, hitting me square in the forehead. "They're weapons," he stated, smiling at his own brilliance.

Lunging for the box of straws, I said, "I'd say." Reading my purpose through my movements, he raced me to the box. Unfortunately for him, I'm more agile.

"Ha!" I cried, using vampire abilities to be unheard by human ears. I dug my hand into the box producing several straws. Arranging a straw in my hand like Emmett did, I began to fire my ammunition

Quickly leaping out of the way, Emmett hid himself on the other side of Bella's bed, using it to block the straws fired at him. "You'll never get me with one of those!"

Trying not to hit Bella with any straws, I fired three more then stopped to count my remaining supply. _Fifteen…I'm low…_ Searching for the bag of sandwiches, I found where they had been sitting on the bedside table empty.

_Damnit!_

"Oh, Edward!" Emmett taunted me by holding the bag of sandwiches just above the edge of Bella's bed. "Looking for these?" He then pulled them from sight.

_I need to get those and find out their use as weaponry!_

**Emmett's POV**

Pulling the box towards me, I grabbed a sandwich and tore the wrapping off, revealing a square that unfolded into a long rectangular thing. On the bottom of it, there was a piece of paper that, when removed, revealed a sticky coating. Figuring these to be used for many different tasks, I set to work making a few things from them: a mask and several sticky "grenades."

The mask—made from just cutting two holes into the sandwich and using the sticky side to stick it to my face—turned out pretty good, except for the fact the adhesive made my face feel odd. The grenades, though not planned as well as the mask, turned out even better; by rolling the sandwich so the adhesive was on the outside, I secured one end to the sticky stuff on the other, thus creating a somewhat round sticky grenade.

To test out my new artillery, I readied myself with a grenade and stuck my head up only far enough so that the mask I wore was all that you could see.

**Edward's POV**

I waited for Emmett to appear so I could shoot what remaining ammunition I had ready to fire. Fervently looking around the outline of the bed for a sign of him, I saw something rise up over the edge. From what I could tell it was Emmett with something stuck onto his face.

"Emmett, what is that on your face?" If I weren't mistaken, I'd think that it was one of the sandwiches, but my eyes could be deceiving me.

"Your maker," he replied, jumping up and pelting a white ball thing at me. As soon as it made contact with me it stayed in place, adhered to my shoulder. I realized that it was a sandwich—much like the mask on his face—rolled up with the adhesive on the outside.

"Really, Emmett? Was that necessary?" I tried to feign that this entire play fight was ridiculous while un-sticking the grenade from my shoulder, trying to salvage it to use it again. Seeing as he ducked yet again behind the bed, I got on my hands and knees to hide somewhat from him. _I wonder if I could throw this at him from under the bed…_

I scooted myself over to the bed and lifted the hem of the blanket, looking into the pitch-black void. _I could sneak underneath the bed and try to ambush him…_ Situating my body so I could slide underneath the bed, with grenade ready to fire, I began pulling myself through.

**Emmett's POV**

Edward, thinking he is the genius he is most definitely not, decides to try and get to me by going underneath the bed. _Uh-uh, you are most certainly not getting me—especially by going underneath the bed._

Being as silent as possible, I stood up from my crouch position and tiptoed around Bella's bed. Once I got to the side Edward was on, I made a mad dash for the door.

**Edward's POV**

_The little sneak! Trying to get past me! _No way was he going to get away that easily.

"Get back here, coward!" And with that, I flung the grenade at him from my spot partially underneath Bella's bed.

Three things happened at once: Emmett ducked, trying to avoid my grenade; Jasper opened Bella's bedroom door with an expression of horror; and my grenade flew right over Emmett's head and planted itself directly in between Jasper's eyes, staying obediently—except on the wrong person.

Emmett busted out laughing as I rushed to get up from where I was and Jasper yanked the makeshift grenade from his face. I admit, I grinned a little at the comical aspect of the scene, but other than that I was completely serious.

Jasper passed the grenade from hand to hand as he examined it, his expression unreadable. "What is this, and what were you two doing?" he asked with a blank tone, looking up at both of us.

"Well, you see, we—" I was cut short by Emmett interrupting.

"It's pretty simple." He smiled a toothy grin. "I was just kicking Edward's ass in a play fight using straws and sandwiches as weapons." He continued to grin as if the information he supplied would provide him with some sort of treat.

"Mh-hm…" Jasper hummed. His mind was blank, but I knew it was reeling like a hamster wheel. He looked down at the grenade again and said, "What, pray tell, are straws and sandwiches?"

**Jasper's POV**

Arranging the pile of stuff I carried out into neat stacks, I stood up looking for Edward. I searched the entire front yard with my eyes, but he was nowhere. Thinking that I must've missed him with my eyes, I walked all around outside the house hunting for him. _Where the Hell is he?_ I was beginning to get a little worried and began widening my area of investigation, going so far as a mile into the woods behind the house.

I backtracked to the house to see if Emmett knew where Edward was and met an array of emotions flitting out of the Swan residence. _What the?_ I knew Emmett had still been in Bella's room when I came back down, but I could sense Edward there now with him.

I walked into the house, determined to find out what was going on. I walked past the kitchen, through the living room, and up the stairs in a matter of seconds. Sauntering down the hall to Bella's room, I heard Edward and Emmett's muffled voices. Arrogance, confidence, annoyance, and giddiness seemed to seep from the room.

"Oh, Edward," I heard Emmett saying, obviously taunting Edward with something. I waited for Edward to reply to the tease, but none came.

Half a minute or so later, I heard Edward say in an incredulous tone, "Emmett, what is that on your face?'

"Your maker," Emmett replied in a darkish manner. Then I heard a bunch of rustling, which I assumed to be Edward and Emmett horsing around.

"Really, Emmett? Was that necessary?" Edward asked acting as if whatever they were doing was ridiculous. After that, nothing could be heard from inside the room except for Bella's even breathing as she slept.

Curiosity was killing me, but I had to be patient if I wanted to startle them in the middle of whatever they were doing. _What could possibly be going on in there?_

Suddenly, I heard Edward cry, "Get back here, coward!" Once again, I heard rustling—but now closer to the door—and decided that now was the best time to interrupt them.

I pushed the door open really fast and met a somewhat shocking sight. Edward lay partially underneath Bella's bed, only his legs sticking out, and Emmett was just beginning to crouch down with—what the Hell is that on his face? Out of nowhere this white thing flew at me, hitting me directly between the eyes. Instead of it falling right after it hit me, it stayed in place as if glued there. I stood there paralyzed for a second, then was able to move again.

Reaching up, I pulled the object between my eyes off with a bit of force. I could tell from my peripheral vision that Edward was smirking and Emmett was momentarily on the floor laughing. Passing the grenade from my left hand to my right, then back again several times, I examined the little ball of stickiness.

Concealing all emotion, I asked, "What is this, and what were you two doing?" On the inside I was wreathing with annoyance. _They've been up here playing the entire time while I was worried about Edward, searching for him quite a bit, and when I do find him he flings a white object at me that adheres to my face instantly? Yeah, not too happy right now about all this._

"Well, you see, we—" Edward began.

"It's pretty simple," Emmett supplied, cutting Edward's sentence short and smiling about it. "I was just kicking Edward's ass in a play fight using straws and sandwiches as weapons." He still held that grin on his face and looked as if he expected a reward. _Straws and sandwiches?_

"Mh-hm…" I hummed in response, looking down at the makeshift weapon I held in my hands. I then asked, "What, pray tell, are straws and sandwiches?"

**Emmett's POV**

_Edward just totally thumped Jasper in the head with the rolled up sandwich and all Jasper can do is ask measly questions? What a bummer._

"What you're holding," I said as I pointed to his hands, "is a sandwich." Picking up a never been used straw from the floor, I lifted it up so Jasper could see and said, "And this is a straw."

Jasper gently took it from my hands and held it in the opposite hand of the sandwich. "These are your weapons?" He sounded suspicious and somewhat disbelieving.

"Yes," Edward answered him.

Jasper messed with the straw curiously and asked, "How does this one work?" Did he just ask what I think he just asked?

"You hold it like a hypodermic needle and push on the end hard," Edward responded. Jasper moved his hand imitating holding a syringe; however, he put his thumb against the side with the cotton ball like thing. "No, your thumb goes on the opposite end," Edward corrected him. Jasper then fixed the way he was holding it to the correct manner.

"Like this?" He looked up at Edward and I questioningly.

I beat Edward to answering him this time and gave a quick, "Yup, and the other one is even easier." I then produced a sandwich from my pocket and demonstrated while talking. "First, you unwrap and unfold it. Next, you take the backing off it to expose the sticky stuff. Then you roll it like this and stick this end to that end, and voilà! A makeshift grenade." He just stared at me for a moment or two before looking back down at the two items.

"Interesting," was his only response. Then, without warning, he shot the straw at me. I jumped back a foot or so but didn't avoid the shot. It hit me in my left shoulder and made a little _plop_ when it fell to the ground.

**Jasper's POV**

_Serves him right._ He shouldn't have assumed that I wouldn't take action after he told me such information. "Hmm… They work real well. I'm guessing I interrupted a very entertaining game?"

"Yeah," Emmett mumbled. "I was winning too." He was disappointed, not only his vibes hunched over with dissatisfaction but his body also seemed to shrink a few inches.

"Well, don't let me stop the fun. Let's fight!" I imitated a voice of authority as I said this. "Are those what is left of the straws and sandwiches?" The only way we were going to be able to play is if we each had a good, even amount of weaponry. However, with what they each held, there were roughly seven straws left and eleven sandwiches.

"This is all that was in the drawer, but there may be more," Emmett said hopefully.

Edward decided to finally join in the conversation again with a, "Let's look for more." And with that he set to searching the remaining stuff in Bella's room, coming up empty-handed.

"I'll go look downstairs," Emmett said as he left the room, leaving Edward and I alone. I waited until I no longer heard his footsteps to talk to Edward.

"How about this: we find more of these things, join forces, and gang up on him. How does that sound?" I stared intently at him, awaiting a reply.

For a moment or two he thought, scrunching his eyebrows up. Finally, he met my gaze and said, "Sounds good to me. I'll search the bathroom and Charlie's room. And you?"

"I'll go check out the laundry room and see what I can find. Meet back here in two minutes." With a nod, Edward went to Charlie's room and began searching for more straws and sandwiches. I then went downstairs, avoiding Emmett's detection, and went to the laundry room.

**Edward's POV**

Sneaking into Charlie's room, I began searching for more straws and sandwiches. I looked through his closet, dresser, and underneath his bed, but none were there. I then went to the bathroom. Since time was against me and I had about forty-five seconds to get back to Bella's room, I did a clean sweep of all the cabinets and drawers.

Upon looking in the small cabinet beneath the sink, I found two very promising things. I pulled them from beneath the sink and nearly whooped in delight. A box of straws and a bag of sandwiches had been found, and with my finds I headed back to Bella's room. As I was just about to walk through the doorway, someone snatched the box of straws from my hands.

**Emmett's POV**

I had watched the entire thing unfold before my eyes. Just as I finished searching the downstairs I saw out of the corner of my eye Jasper sneak into the laundry room. From his posture I could tell that him and Edward had planned something, but what exactly I did not know.

Stealing up the stairs, I hid quietly in a little corner. As I stood waiting I saw Edward quickly run to the bathroom. _What are they planning?_ Edward rummaged around a bit in the bathroom then sort of jumped up in glee.

_He found more! _Rushing back to Bella's room, Edward began to go through the door. However, in one quick movement, I snatched the straws from his arms.

"Emmett!" He was angry, I could tell.

"I knew you two were up to something, but ganging up on me was far from my mind!" I hid the box behind my back and got a good number of straws ready to fire.

"Emmett, we were doing no such thing!" Edward attempted to convince me, but I knew the truth. They conspired to join forces and attack me as allies. _The cowards. Apparently that can't fend for themselves._

By now Edward had backed into Bella's room and stared dumbfounded at me. _Ha, really caught him off guard didn't I! _I then pulled one hand out in front of me and revealed my arsenal ready to be fired.

**Jasper's POV**

I had just gotten up the stairs when I saw Emmett cornering Edward in Bella's room—with a good amount of straws ready at hand! Immediately I took action and smacked the hand he was raising toward Edward. The straws he had been holding showered the floor with light _thumps_.

"Oh, this war is so on!" Emmett said grabbing more straws. Right away he shot five at me, hitting each time. "You guys are so going down." His mask started coming off so he quickly slapped it into place.

Edward, who Emmett now had his back to, quickly pulled out several sandwiches and began making grenades. He then pelted Emmett with them as I got Emmett into a headlock.

"Hit him, hit him!" I cried, struggling with Emmett's mass and muscle. Emmett then slid his foot behind my leg and pushed my foot aside, causing me to fall and take him down with me. We landed with a _bang_ onto the floor.

"I am," Edward said, now seizing the straws from Emmett's hands. Emmett then grabbed Edward and pulled him down onto the floor with us. Thus, we began wrestling to keep a hold on the straws and sandwiches.

Back and forth the straws and sandwiches went, from me to Edward to Emmett, then back to Edward. Over and over again one of us would holler, "I've got them!" to just end with them being taken away. By now, we had rolled all over Bella's floor and now fought near the bedroom door. I had already stuck straws up Emmett's nose and he in return slapped a sandwich onto Edward's face. Edward then raised a straw at ready and fired it in Emmett's direction, sadly missing.

**Bella's POV**

Out of the blue something tapped me on the head and woke me up. I had just been dreaming of lying in Edward's arms in our meadow, but the thump of something on my forehead broke through the layers of sleep and brought me to consciousness. _What the Hell?_

I sat up half asleep in bed and looked about the room. At first I didn't see anything unusual, but then I look towards my door. There was a sort of blurry void where soft groans and grunts were coming from.

"Hello?" I called quietly, not sure what to expect. The moment the words left my lips the blurry void disappeared and three forms materialized in its place. Emmett, Jasper, and Edward lay on the floor staring up at me in terror with little white things lying all around them. I reached for my lamp and flipped the switch on.

**Edward's POV**

_Shit!_

**Jasper's POV**

_Well, this plan is screwed._

**Emmett's POV**

_Dear God, make it so when she beats the shit out of me I feel no pain! Please!_

**Bella's POV**

The sight that met my eyes was horrific and I nearly had a cardiac arrest because of it. My room, devoid of all my things, had rolled up pads sticking to things all over and tampons littering the floor. I then turned my gaze to Emmett, Jasper, and Edward, finding a sight startling enough to give someone a heart attack: Edward had a pad stuck to the side of his face and several tampons in his hands. Jasper was in a similar predicament with a couple pads stuck to his back and a tampon sitting in his hair. Emmett, however, was the worst; he had a pad with two eyeholes on his face like a mask, a rolled up pad in his hand ready to be thrown, and tampons stuck up both nostrils.

I began hyperventilating hysterically and stopped breathing momentarily. The last thing I remember before passing out was Edward rushing over to me.

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**_The Next Day…_**

**Bella's POV**

"I still can't believe you three!" I yelled at Emmett, Jasper, and Edward as they sat on the couch in the Cullen's living room. "Using my pads and tampons as weapons, trying to redecorate my room without permission, the nerve!"

Emmett and Jasper then proceeded to point their fingers at Edward and say, "It's his fault." That just made me even angrier.

"I don't care who the Hell's fault it is! You guys wasted all my tampons and pads!" I started to hyperventilate again. "Not to mention how you left my stuff outside as it started to rain while you guys were too busy with your 'Mock War.'"

Alice then walked down the stairs, interrupting my little rant. "Sit down, Bella, before you pass out again." Obediently I followed her instructions, but only because I didn't want to faint again.

She then averted her gaze to the boys and glared them down. "And you three should be ashamed. Her stuff is ruined and you used up all of something you had no right to use, yet all you guys do is point fingers at each other. Pathetic." She came and sat down next to me on the other couch and began soothingly rubbing my back.

For about fifteen minutes or so we sat in silence when Emmett finally decided to ask, "So, what are these 'pads' and 'tampons' used for anyway?" I was so startled and instantly saw dots across my vision. I began slumping down and leaning heavily against Alice.

"You idiot," Alice said and it was the last thing I remember hearing.

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**_Well, I hoped you enjoyed. And please, please, please leave a review! They are appreciated mucho! Oh, and if you find any grammatical errors whatsoever, please let me know. I'm trying to perfect this one-shot._**

**_Oh, and I just had this brilliant idea. (No, I'm not continuing this as a story...I see no way that I can.) I'm going to post a really long author's note in the last chapter of how I came up with these ingenious names for tampons and pads. It is hilarious and I'd love to chare it with you all!_**

**_Hope you liked it mucho! Any1there4me_**


	2. Behind the Fanfic

Well, here is the explanation of how I came up with this fanfic. Please read and enjoy...and don't forget to comment!

Any1there4me

Disclaimer: Sigh...I don't own it!

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How 'War of the Straws and Sandwiches' Came To Be 

So, long ago one night, a girl named Jenn—or The Jenn—was born…Haha, but no. Definitely not going to go there; but it was definitely a very unusual way to catch you off guard.

Okay, the point of this atrociously long Author's Note is to tell how this fanfic came to be. Let's see…it includes: how the idea even got imprinted in my mind; how the names—"straws" and "sandwiches"—were created; and some truths between my life and the fanfic (people have been quite curious about whether or not this has happened to me…will be explained). Now, to enlighten all of you, faithful readers!

**How the idea even got imprinted in my mind:**

If you've read my profile you already know that I do guard (and am the captain…but I think I forgot to mention that). Well, I had this very interesting conversation with my coach one time, and she is probably one of the funniest people I have met or associated with and can make a joke out of almost anything. In this particular conversation we happened to get on the topic of that-time-of-month—I think she asked if I had any straws, but that may not be accurate. On and on our conversation went until her daughter and another guard member joined the chat, then it got really hilarious. We started telling embarrassing stories in which we either were humiliated beyond belief or nearly died laughing. Now, this was her story:

_I came home one day after grocery shopping and was about done putting all the food away when I noticed my husband was asleep. I walked over to him and woke him up because I wanted to know where my stepson Bobby was. (AUTHOR'S NOTE: she loves him very much…not at all like an evil stepmother.) "Where's Bobby?" I asked. He just sort of stared for a second as if he had no idea what I was talking about, then it clicked and he replied, "He's in his room." Leaving the rest of the groceries where they were I went to his room to check on him since his father had been sleeping. I got there and opened the door and met a sight I never expected to see in my entire life. He was sitting on the floor playing with his little army figurines using my tampons as canons. On and on he slammed his small hand against the tampons, shooting them at the "bad" figurines in his little make-believe war. Immediately I started taking them away saying, "No honey, those aren't toys," while trying not to bust out laughing._

Hmm…I'm guessing that got you laughing a little (yeah, I know…not so much…but it's a cute story).

**How the names—"straws" and "sandwiches"—were created:**

The story of how these got named is a tad embarrassing and happened only about two weeks ago. My friend Almighty Finksy was there…you may know her here as Rosalie-hater-emmett-lover and she is pretty new, but her fanfic is awesome. I promise!

It had been like any other day—boring beyond belief, with Algebra III at its most grueling time, and students practically begging to be fed lunch—and my class was working on some awful theory of "imaginary" numbers. Now, if you were to ask me what those are, my response would be, "Something I'm never going to use, ever." (I tried explaining it to my parents and all they came up with is, "There is such a thing as 'imaginary' numbers?") Every single last one of us were tired and wanted a nice thirty minute break from the dreadful math, so when the bell rang we literally ran from the room.

My friends—Hocus Pocus, Almighty Finksy, Alice-Cullen-look-alike, and Polyester—and I set out to lunch like we always do. We would walk slowly, talking of unimportant things, laughing and making a bunch of noise all along the way. Well, we finally get to where we eat lunch in the hallway about five to ten minutes after the lunch bell rang and start quenching our ravenous hungers. Hocus Pocus and Alice-Cullen-look-alike would go to buy lunch from the horrid lunch line—hopefully coming back with fries though! - I sit there and socialize a bit with Almighty Finksy, Polyester, and Breezy (she's in a class in a different hallway and meets up with us at lunch). Breezy yet again succeeded in making me laugh hysterically with an original joke of hers (she has a lot). Well, Almighty Finksy decides to go through her purse in search of her lunch so she can heat it up. As she did that I also did the same—except I did my blindly.

I punched my hand deep into my bottomless-pit of a purse in search of my sandwich, drink, et cetera, and felt something promising. Thinking that what was in my hand was my sandwich—it felt like my sandwich, was the same shape as my sandwich, so thus it must be my sandwich—I pulled it out. Now, I didn't look down at my hands immediately after I pulled whatever it was out of my purse because I was still chatting with Almighty Finksy, Breezy, and Polyester. When I went to go open the bag my sandwich was in I saw that what I had was most definitely not my sandwich—it was a pad! And I'd been holding it in my lap for more than five minutes! So, quickly shoving my so-called "sandwich" into my purse as fast as my hand could possibly move, I said rather loudly out of nervousness, "Well, that's not my sandwich!"

Hocus Pocus and Alice-Cullen-look-alike had at that point come back from the lunch line—with fries! -—and gave me questioning looks. However, Breezy, Polyester, and Almighty Finksy were cracking up because they had figured out what I had meant. Almighty Finksy, the first to recuperate from the laughing fit, said, "Oh-Em-See, Jenn! I am so calling pads 'sandwiches' from now on!" And after a few more giggles she went to warm up her food.

The next five minutes or so was spent with the rest of them teasing me about it. Then, Party-pooper-Taylor came and sat down next to our spot in the hall like usual. Now, I like to joke around a lot and suddenly a chance was given to me. "Hey, Taylor," I called trying to get his attention. "Want a sandwich?"

Not knowing what I meant he asked, "What kind is it? I only like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." Well, Breezy, Polyester, Hocus Pocus, Alice-Cullen-look-alike, and I busted out laughing at that comment.

My response to him was, "IT COULD POSSIBLY BE THAT KIND!" That just made the rest of us laugh even harder. Taylor, however, was so confused and asked, "These aren't sandwiches I'd want to eat, are they?" Once again, we laughed even harder and he started to ignore us.

Next thing I knew, Almighty Finksy is back and bouncing up and down. "Jenn, I have this AWESOME idea!!" she literally screamed.

"What is it?" I was worried for her sanity…but I worry about my own too, so it wasn't much use worrying about hers too.

"Tampons can be called 'straws'!" And, yet again, the whole gang busted out laughing and the name actually stuck.

For instance, this past week, it was Hocus Pocus's time-of-month and she went to the bathroom during a quiz we had in second block. Well, all of us in our little clique in the back left corner knew what she went to the bathroom to do, so basically I told them I was going to ask her, 'So how were those sandwiches, Hocus Pocus?' They totally didn't believe I would do it. When Hocus Pocus got back, I whispered loud enough so she could hear, "Psst, Hocus Pocus!"

"What?" she asked.

"How were those sandwiches?" She just stared for a moment or two, remembered what I meant, then busted out laughing in the middle of the quiet classroom. Yeah, I don't think my friends will doubt me the next time I say I'm going to do something.

And that's how the names were created. Pretty wicked, and a bunch of laughing…Yeah, my stomach still hurts a little.

**Some truths between my life and the fanfic:**

Okay, I've been sent a few messages asking certain questions like, "Has this ever happened to you?" and I'm going to try and answer as many question right now.

Q: Have I ever witnessed someone getting into my stash and using them as weapons?

--Nope. That I imagined. I basically thought of what I'd most likely feel and how Bella would most likely react to it. That's about it.

Q: Have I ever been in a war with tampons as weapons?

--Yes. I started the war and was the one who not only ended up with tampons stuck up both nostrils but with pads stuck literally all over my body. I was also a 'prisoner of war'…that's how I ended up with all that stuff on me.

Q: Have I ever been in a war with pads?

--Nope. I made that all up. However, I did test it! - It was really fun, especially when I used my models and threw them at m brother. Oh, and the pad mask really does make your face feel weird, but that may because the adhesive isn't meant to go on skin…Hmm…

Q: Have I ever shot a tampon?

--Yes. Otherwise how would I get in a mock war with them?

Q: Are some guys really this oblivious?

--Sadly, yes. Not all of them really care that much until they see a pad or tampon. Then they are like, 'What is that?'

Q: Is it hard to shoot a tampon?

--No, not really. It's pretty self-explanatory after you—Ahem—have used one.

Q: Do tampons hurt when they are shoved up your nose?

--Depends on the size of your nose I guess. Mine didn't hurt until I tried to breathe through my nose…but that had to do with the tampons blocking all my oxygen supply.

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**So, I hope you enjoyed reading how this fanfic was thought up. Pretty hilarious stuff right there! Please Review! It's greatly appreciated!**

**Any1there4me**


	3. Chapter 2

**_Okay, I totally, completely realize I said I wouldn't continue WOTSAS, but I totally found a way to! LOL! Well, I have gotten quite a few PM's avbout whether or not Emmett and the others found out what straws and sandwiches were actually used for, and I've decided I am going to continue it until the truth is revealed to Emmett...since he is, of course, a tad slower than the other two._**

**_So, onto the continuation. I know it is a teeny bit short, but it isn't finished. I'm thinking about one or two more chapters this length will bring this fanfic to a conclusion. So, until then, please enjoy!_**

**_Jenn_**

**_Disclaimer: I...don't...own...it! Stephenie Meyer does!_

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The Truth Is Revealed…Or, At Least On It's Way:) 

**Emmett's POV**

It's been bugging me—actually, nagging more like it—to know what "tampons" and "pads" are really used for. Honestly, back when I still called them sandwiches and straws—which was, hmm…about two days ago—I could have sworn they were weapons.

I mean, c'mon, those things could be deadly if you used them just right. Like, for instance, when Jasper got hit square in the forehead: he just sort of stood there and kind of looked like he was about to pass out, which we all know is impossible for vampires—this just proves how deadly they can be; if it can almost make a vampire pass out, then it can surely _kill_ a human. Poor Bella!

Edward and Jasper just shrugged off the fact that the straws and sandwiches weren't really weapons, just going on with their boring old lives without a second thought about figuring out what they're used for. But, I'm telling you now, I will not rest—haha, funny of me—until I know the truth!

**Edward's POV**

"Hey, Jasper, Emmett still doesn't know what tampons and pads are used for." Jasper snickered slightly as I grinned and thought of how Emmett can be such an idiot sometimes—and so slow! The first thing I did was Google it, and immediately my questions were answered.

I would tell him that the Internet has answers for everything, but it is just too much fun watching him make faces as he sits and tries to figure it out. He situates himself on the edge of the couch, holding his head in his hands with his elbows to his knees. He can stay that way for the longest of time—which, of course, is the strangest of occurrences because the guy can't stay still for more than a few minutes. Occasionally he'll scratch his head just above the eyebrow to the left a little, scrunching his nose in speculation. I swear the guy never had more dedication in his life for anything until now!

"Maybe he'll finally figure it out." Jasper said turning to look at me directly, a smirk appearing on his face. I pretended to imitate Emmett as he thought, sitting on the couch as he does almost every day.

Casually, I brought my index finger to my head and rubbed it back and forth. Mimicking his voice, I asked, "Are they some sort of weaponry?"

That made Jasper bust out laughing, falling out of the recliner he'd just been sitting in. I soon joined him because it was way too funny.

Then, hearing all the ruckus we were making as we mocked Emmett, Emmett decided to walk in muttering, "Immature," as he glared at us. This sent hoots erupting from us in response; we rolled all over the living room floor, from wall to wall, knocking into each other and everything.

**Emmett's POV**

Grr...It has now gotten to the point where not knowing is literally taking over my life. I've got to know, I decided that the moment I found out they weren't what I thought they were–weapons. But not knowing is making me go insane, mad!

All I want to do is corner Alice or Rosalie—maybe even Esme—and demand what they are. It just isn't fair that they think it is even funny that they have me squirming from not knowing.

I promise that I will find out, even if it is the last thing I do!

**Alice's POV**

Not again! Emmett is on the prowl for answers _again_! He just doesn't know when to leave well alone.

"Emmett, I already told you I'm not telling you unless Bella gives me permission, which I know for a fact she won't!" I stood on the tips of my toes drawing myself up to be as tall as possible. "Just give up!" I was huffing; I know I looked very unladylike, but that was the least of my worries. Emmett was really beginning to get on my nerves.

What I don't get is how he doesn't understand the meaning of no. You tell him no, he somehow translates that into a yes. It doesn't make sense…yet I secretly want to know how he does it!

"Please, Alice"—he tries to give me a puppy face, sticking his bottom lip out and batting his eyes a little—"I need to know." He is trying to his fullest to persuade me, but that sad excuse of an attempt at a puppy face is instead making me keel over laughing.

"Oh, stop!" I clutch my stomach and try to catch my breath. "If you're trying to be cute, you're doing the opposite!" He responded to my comment by glaring, giving me what he calls 'The stinkiest of stinking stinky eyes,' and I can guarantee that I had no part in helping him come up with the damn name of his glare!

"Alice! Please?!?!" He was now kneeling on the floor at my feet, slowly bending to plant kisses on my toes—with his disgusting lips!

"Oh, EWW!" I smacked him upside to head and sent him flying backwards into the wall. "Keep your filthy lips from my boots. They're leather…and expensive!" Now I was the one glaring. He looked up fearfully at me and sort of cowered—yes, cowered…like cringing and trying to shrink into nothing—against the wall, the dark paint contrasting with his pallor greatly.

He made a dash for the stairs—most likely running to Esme's side—and screamed, "I'M SORRY!" at the top of his lungs like a little girl.

Now that is what I call beating the odds! The little beating the big!

_Hot damn…I think I could get used to this!_

**Emmett's POV**

Note to self: Remember never go to Alice for anything—ever!

My head actually hurt, and that hadn't happened in years…since, I think, when Edward punched me for slipping up on my diet—which I regret greatly, of course, even without Edward's help!

I walked into the kitchen holding my head and nearly ran into Rose. She took one look and said, "Ah, I see you're at it again, huh?" She grinned a little and went back to what she was doing—what was she doing?

She had just covered up what she had in her arms, obviously wanting to keep whatever was under there secret from me.

"Rose," I said looking into her eyes then down to the hidden thing, going back and forth. "What'cha got there, honey?" My voice dripped with sarcasm and curiosity. I had a feeling—a very, very good feeling at that—that whatever lay in her arms could possibly answer my questions, and for good.

She opened her eyes wider and looked down at what she held, feigning innocence and surprise. "Oh, I don't know, honestly. I found it on the kitchen counter." She tried to dodge past me to the living room, but I wrapped my arm quickly around her waist and pulled her to my side.

"And where, Rose, do you think you're going?" I could see her confusion –and fear?—glinting in her eyes as I shadowed my features to the best of my abilities. "How about you show me what'cha got there?" I nodded toward her arms as she twisted her upper body as far as possible from me, trying to keep it out of my line of vision.

"Absolutely nothing," she said pretending to be bored, but I knew her better than that. I could tell by the minute twitching of the corner of her lip—a habit that often gave away when she was lying, nervous, et cetera—that she had way more than nothing concealed in her arms. She tried to bend out of my grip and elbowed my chest, but I knew her tricks.

I squeezed slightly tighter on my hold around her waist and secured my grip, ensuring she couldn't get out of my clutch of iron. "Uh-uh, Rose. You're going nowhere until I see what you're hiding from me."

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**_Hmm...so what could Rosalie possibly be keeping from Emmett, and how could it possibly answer all of Emmett's questions? Well, I guess you'll have to wait and find out! _**

**_Anywho, please review! And I promise to give honorable mentions to those who can guess correctly what Rosalie is hiding from Emmett!_**

**_Jenn_**

**_Until next time!_**


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